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Reflections

Why I Cried When I Turned 29

morganprovince August 22, 2017
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Throughout my 20s, many days have been spent wondering if I have accomplished enough. It is fair to say that I have not yet reached my full potential. Why not? Yes, life has had a few bumps in the road, but ultimately I blame myself for not hustling hard enough.

Visiting a festival in Varazdin, Croatia, for my 29th birthday.

Every birthday ticks off another year in which I have not become an author, a career coach or an entrepreneur. I want to build my dream career, and I have not yet discovered my combination of idea + market need.

If I never turn 30, I can continue trying to be a young something-or-other. I do not want to run out of time. I can be “29 plus 1” or have a “first anniversary of my 29th birthday” next year. Anything to prevent me from losing time.

On this 29th  birthday, the weight of the expectations for myself was pulling me into a funk. Then, in the late afternoon, my husband sent me a message that brought me to tears.

My day was full of errands: work, vet and embassy appointments, prepping for a Game of Thrones watch party. I needed help. I asked the hubs if he would mind picking up drink supplies for our watch party.

I expected a bit of stress in his reply because we were both having a busy day. Instead of giving me any attitude, though, he simply asked, “How can I help?”

And then I cried.

On a day full of self-doubt and denial, my husband reminded me of how blessed I was. I am surrounded by people who love and support me, and they would never talk to me the way I was talking to myself. The birthday messages should have reminded me that I have people in my life who will always root for me, not that I have failed another year.

I only have one year left before 30? So what. I can accomplish those same career goals at 30, 35 and 40. Maybe I haven’t “made it” because I am not meant to be at that point in my career yet. Maybe this first year abroad was truly meant to be full of travel, learning a second language and experimenting with work-from-home jobs.

No, I will not just lay back and let life happen to me – I have big plans, ya’ll. But I will stop being so hard on myself when my “success” does not look like others’ success. I will allow myself to enjoy the time my husband and I have before kids. I will continue building a career that makes me happy every day.

And I will have a damn 30th birthday party next year. Every year is worth celebrating.

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