Chris Died
I hadn’t seen him for many years. I didn’t even know him very well even when I would see him all the time but we did! We did know before all of this life got in the way to make us forget who we were until we remembered again either by pain, self-examination, yoga, or seeing ourselves in our own children. Is that what life is? I am exactly who I was when I was a young girl before I got swept up in life and forgot for a while by letting circumstances define me.
Like the blue-eyed blond haired boy, smelling like old spice who didn’t want anyone to know he was coming over to my house, the first boy I did “it” with.in the room we used to call “Eva’s”, now my piano room. Eva was our Alice from the Brady Bunch uniform wearing live-in housekeeper. Eva, ever exasperated, always exclaiming “Sheet” but I knew what she meant. We did it on the little blue couch in Eva’s room. I cried afterwards. He knows me. He knows exactly who I am. We reconnected and we email once in a while. How did he know me? I was a young girl. I was who I am until I got swept away by life.
I had just finished dying a little over 2 years ago and was in the final stages of grieving someone who is still alive. I wanted him to love me more than drugs but I died because I loved him more than me. Like a little piece of paper you tear off to write down your number, the original page is still torn forever.
Chris died. Call Wendi. FaceBook delivered the message. He was alone. He died alone. I am alone. Will I die alone? How can he be dead? One of us. My heart hurts for the friends who knew him best but I knew him, I really knew him before death swept him away and now he is gone and I am alone.
His blue eyes…I can see those eyes…I knew him. I die all the time when I forget who I am but he died, he really died and I feel like I’m dying. He had blue eyes just like the old spice boy, just like the man I loved more than myself. All I see is the blue and I want the blue to fill me with light again. Blue is water and blue is sky. Fill me.
I can feel the loneliness of his death and I die in the loneliness because I let life sweep me away until I remember who I am. Blue sky fill me.
