The group

Written by Nothing

“May I pose a question,” the group is shocked since this is the first time in 23 days since I joined the group that I’ve spoken.”Sure, go right ahead E,” says Brian, our counselor and mediator of the group. “Are you guys happy? I mean like generally with your life and stuff, are you happy with your life?,” the group sits bewildered and confused wondering I would ask this question. I further elaborate “I mean when you think of your life and you think of what youv’e done, where you are going,and who you have beside you meaning friends and family, are you happy?” The group remains still for a few moments until brian restates the question and ask me “Are you happy E?” I quickly respond by saying “No I’m not. In fact, I am utterly and completely miserable. I have no family, i have no friends, and i don’t have anyone who cares about me. To be honest I could die right now and as a result I would be tight. Ask me why I would be tight Brian?” “Why E, why would you be tight?” “ Because I know damn well that nobody would care enough to bury me. I know by now that when I die no one shall come to my funeral, which i have already elegantly planned ahead of time to be prepared, because no one cares. And to be honest, i wouldn’t want anyone to come. The way I see it if you didn’t love me or care about me when i was living than you shouldn’t be allowed to act like you do when i die, which is why i am having a closed funeral because i know no one loves me.” “You know that isn’t true right, E, I mean you have us, we care about you,” brian says, thinking that his lies can cloak the truth that I’ve known ever since I was nine. “Do you really though Brian? I mean i don’t want to come across as disrespectful or anything but seeing that I haven’t had a friend in over two years and I haven’t had an intellectual deep conversation with also in two years, I don’t believe that in the 23 days that I have been here in which i have never spoke unless to introduce myself, that you actually care. Now it’s okay I know you don’t care, in fact no one cares, especially including myself. I mean why should I care? I’m a loser with no friends nor family who can’t even get a job at fucking Dunkin Donuts for god’s sake! In the eighteen years that I have been on this earth I have done nothing, i have not had one day in which i felt alive, instead i feel dead inside, and the fact that i am not dead makes this empty feeling in my heart feel worse. I wish dead in fact, i wish i never existed so that the world could be a better place and my parents wouldn’t hate each other because there wouldn’t be a reason for them to be together in the first place. I wish i was dead, no actually i pray i was dead, but god doesn’t answer when i call to him so i’m stuck here until i die i guess and who knows when that will be. I hoped i would have died this morning before i woke up and went to school but i didn’t because god don’t work that way brian. By now I would’ve killed myself but I can’t cause i’m too weak and scared to. I’ve been depressed for ten years now and my life hasn’t gotten any better than it was when i was nine in fact it’s gotten worse since the first time i thought about killing myself.” I breathe heavily as though i have lifted a huge weight of my chest but nothing has changed this only one of many pains i hold suppress. “Look im sorry Brian and im sorry you guys but after ten years of being this way my soul is tired an i just want to rest now. I just wanna fade away from this plane of existence we call life and be at peace somewhere i know the pain that i feel now can’t bother me. I just want to leave this place and find a place where my mind can be safe from this torture that has consumed my head for all this time. I just wanna fade away.” I get up and leave the group hugging and shaking the hands of each and single one of them knowing that i will never return because i am damaged beyond repair.